Goodbye 2010! Hello 2011!

     Here we are, once again, waiting patiently, or maybe not so patiently, for this old year and all it's good and bad to leave us and herald in the 2011 with high hopes and higher expectations.
      I know in my own life, I have now started on the second year of being unemployed, the second year of fighting SSDI for what I have a right to (since I have paid in for it all these years), many years of hoping I would begin feeling better instead of worse, but to be perfectly honest this last year has brought me more joy & happiness that it has pain & sorrow. I have a wonderful man who has now been a part of my life for going on 10 years and I love him more with each passing day. He has stood by me through my health problems, even though he can't possibly understand it all, but there he stands, helping me, lifting my spirits when I need it the most. I was blessed with a new granddaughter who was 2 months premature but she is the toughest itty bitty baby I've ever seen. She has blossomed and grown and is amazing! I have parents who love me. I have sons who love me and stand by me. So yes, 2010 had it's share of trials but I've still been blessed in so many ways. Look at all the blessings I have in the old & new friends I have re-connected and connected with on Face Book. I have discovered so many people who have the same or similar health problems who have offered comfort, advice, guidance, prayers and a should to cry on when I needed one. All in  all my year could have been much worse than it was.
     Now I'm ready to bring on a new year with all the good from last year and with continuing hopes & prayers for us all.
     May your new year be filled with... Joy, Love & Laughter! May you be blessed with good health, prosperity, & above all...a sense of gratitude for all the blessings in your life.

♥*´¨`*♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Love & Gentle Hugs & Prayers Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥*´¨`*♥

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,
I know I'm running out of time,
To get my list to you.
You're loading up your sleigh right now
And hitching reindeer, too.

What I want for Christmas
Really isn't just for me
It's a gift for everyone
For our Mankind family

Most would love to have it
To share with one another,
The gift of unconditional love
And peace between all brothers.

That is my Christmas wish this year,
And all the years to come,
Until we all can live in Peace
And give love to everyone.

 by Marti Gipson 12/17/2010

♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Love & Gentle Hugs & Prayers Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥

I Know an Aha Moment When I Have One ....Or TMI

     I just had an "Aha moment' like Oprah says....I have suffered from Kidney stones for many years and take Allopurinol to reduce the uric acid that forms them, so all things considered, I have managed to keep them under control.
      They mainly flare up when I drink anything with caffeine (in my experiences, which are many, but other people have other things that cause theirs). I cut caffeine out of my diet a long time ago but you know how it is...sometimes you just gotta have it. I went to completely decaf sodas, decaf tea, & decaf coffee. Here-in lies the problem...I love the yummy foo foo coffee that they have at the gas stations. WOW nothing is better than having a nice piping hot cup of your favorite creamy flavored coffee on a freezing cold outing to keep the chill away. It's not decaf! I actually buy the instant flavored cappuccino at the grocer cause who can afford to buy those every day and none of the ones I like come in decaf.  How many restaurants serve decaf ice tea much less those delicious raspberry, peach, mango, or blackberry teas. So...I can't avoid all caffeine and sometimes I tend to overindulge which means KIDNEY STONE coming through.
     Okay, this post is not really about kidney stones but I had to make the story more understandable. Because of my experiences with the pain involved in passing a kidney stone, I always swore I would rather give birth again than pass a stone. Let me tell you...it HURTS!
Now, you give birth and as a rule the pain lasts for several hours or can work it's way up in intensity over a few days, but for me ( and I had completely natural child birth with no epidural or anything to dull the experience) once you start pushing the pain is gone and after a while you have a beautiful baby to raise. This is not consistent with every pregnancy for ever woman so don't take my word for it.
     Next, you pass a kidney stone! You have excruciating lower back pain for a few days to a few weeks. We're not there yet. Then you feel the stone as it moves out of the kidney and into the bladder. Oh, let me tell you...menstrual cramps are nothing compared to this one. I think it would be something along the lines of your appendix bursting several times a day. Then, the stone moves into the ureters, you know those teeny tiny little tubes that run from your bladder down to where you go pee-pee. Now, as that stone moves along the little barbs on it feel like they are ripping and scraping your insides to shreds. Can you say OUCH! Then if your lucky within a few hours of tinkling a wee bit here and there (no pun intended) and having the flow suddenly shut off because the stone plugs off the flow, it finally gathers enough pressure to force the stone through. If not you continue going through horrible pain and feeling like you are going to burst at any moment and finally it either gets forced out or you end up in the ER to have it blasted apart like an asteroid or surgically removed. Thank God my pain level is high enough I have never had to do either one and have passed them on my own. I only came close once because I had suffered with the pain so long I went to the ER and they did Xrays and ran tests because they thought it might be a tumor. Duh! Believe me, if you've had enough of them you know what's going on with your body without a damn picture of it. Anyway suffice it to say I passed that one to ....finally!
     Now we come to the "Aha moment"! I no longer think I would prefer giving birth to passing a kidney stone but I would rather give birth and pass a kidney stone over suffering from Fibromyalgia. Childbirth and passing a kidney stone only lasts so long before something happens to make the pain go away. With Fibro the pain never goes completely away and you never know when it is going to flare to the worst possible pain or for how long at any given time.

Having an Invisible Disability...

     Is so hard to deal with some days, so hard to understand everyday, and what's worse is.....it makes me cry. I know that sounds silly & whiny, especially since my pain level is pretty much bearable today. I'm taking my happy pills so things don't get me feeling so blue but they don't seem to be working today. In a nutshell...I'M SCARED! What's more, there is nothing really to be scared of so I'm feeling pretty silly and immature about this whole experience today. It's not like I haven't had days like the this before but since I really don't have an explanation for them it can really consume me with questions and concerns
    Let me tell you about this pathetic day and my reaction and hopefully others of you have gone through this and can tell me what is happening. Here is a base line of my medical conditions in the order they were diagnosed...Psoriasis, Diabetes, Depression, Sleep Apnea, Neuropathy, Psoriatic Arthritus & Fibromyalgia. This is just the list of health issues that have the most immediate & bothersome effect on me.
     I woke up today at 7:30 am, took some Excedrin for a headache, loaded the dishwasher, checked on my unemployment & filed for last week, checked out some jobs on a couple of the online employment sites I use, checked my FB account and finally noticed the pain flaring up. Some days it takes a while for the pain to become noticeable enough I have to take meds to control it. I took a Percocet, ate some leftover Broccoli Chicken Bake & a slice of fresh pineapple for breakfast. I move kind of slow most days & it was almost 11:00 am and I thought I would watch The View while I ate my breakfast & waited for the medicine to do it's job and ease my pain. I put my dishes in the kitchen sink and was feeling a little tired and since I need a nap, sometimes several times a day, I sat back in the recliner, put my feet up, started planning on what to fix for supper when I felt more with it. That's all she wrote folks...I was soon sound asleep waking up once to ask my mother in law if she was cooking and heard her say she was fixing her supper. (That's another story all together.) Out I went again. I finally woke up about 3:30 pm and shook away the cobwebs and got up and couldn't remember if I had talked to my mother in law or not so I asked her and she said I had. I apologized for sleeping all day and she said I had made lots of strange high pitched noised and other weird sounds all afternoon. I felt such sadness, fear, embarrassment, shame, and disgust at myself because I should not be this tired all the time. 
     I know this is just another poor, poor, pitiful me story but I am really being emotionally devastated by the way my physical life is going. I just need to vent how I'm feeling and how sad I am and reading back over this how pathetic I am. I have so many friends I have met through Face Book that struggle sometimes too but they seem to have more control over feeling sorry for themselves than I do, at least today.
     Sorry I'm not more positive today and I'm even sorrier I haven't been around much for anyone else but I do realize we all have have periods of time when we feel so discouraged we find it hard to be encouraging to others who are going through the same thing. Just know I care about all of you and I hope you can understand that right now I am finding it very hard to be strong and my coping mechanism is out of whack. 

Starlight, Starbright, 1st star I see tonight....

How I wish that was all it took to make sense of everything going on in my life. I'm trying to get plenty of sleep but at times it never seems like it's enough. I have noticed if I wake in the morning and sit on the side of the bed and start nodding off I will wake up talking  to someone or making motions with my hands like I'm doing something but once I wake it's gone. Kind of creepy to me. It doesn't matter if I have slept relatively good and was able to fall right back to sleep if I woke up in pain or had to go to the bathroom. I just don't understand how no more than I do most days that I should be this tired. My body is exhausted but my mind keeps trying to do things. I'm surprised I'm not sleep walking. I guess if it was easier for me to get up I probably would be. My question is....have any of you experienced anything like this? It kind of creeps me out when I wake up replying to a question someone has asked me or I'm trying to do something with my hands to make something or type something that someone has told me to do. I just don't know how to explain this, if it's even related to my Fibromyalgia or any of the other illnesses I have. I know it bothers me because I don't understand it so I was hoping some of you might have experienced this or know what might be causing it so I can put my mind at ease. I don't think I'm any crazier than I have ever been and I still feel so much love for family, friends, and most of mankind. This just really bugs me so if someone who reads this could respond and let me know if this is something I need to look into or if it's part of the Fibro World I live in.

My Friends

That's What I Call A Friend

You asked me, once upon a time,

What friendship means to me?

I didn't answer right away,

I had to think, you see.

I have had so many friends

Who have come and gone from me.

But each of them has left a mark

On who I've come to be.

Some of them did make a choice 

To move on with their lives.

But some of them stayed with me

and I've come to realize,

No matter if they come or go,

You're always going to find,

You've tucked them away so safely

In your heart and in your mind.

You draw from all those memories 

Of things you used to do.

They lighten up and make you smile

 At  the things you both went through.

So, if someone's touched your life

And shared everything with you

And kept you feeling loved and safe

Then that's a friendship that is true.

I don't care if they live next door,

Cross the country, Or half a world away,

When someone helps you through troubled times

Then that spirit of friendship is here to stay.

So to answer your question about friendship,

I can tell you what I know.

There are people I've never met face to face

But I love them as friends and so...

The friends that I've known through the years

Who've touched me in some way

Will still be remembered with love and joy

Even on my final day.

By Marti Gipson on 10/24/2010

Another Moment of Self Discovery

I have these moments when I really can see the impact my illness is having on others. Especially on my fiance. We've been together for many years and he has seen me through cervical cancer and has known about other health issues for as long as he's known me. He knows about the Psoriasis...I mean, who wouldn't since it's a very visible illness that produces red scaly lesions all over my body to varying degrees. He was able to accept that. He knew I had diabetes. He knew I was overweight and yet he still loved me. Now with the discovery of the Neuropathy, Psoriatic Arthritis and the Fibromyalgia he still stands by me even though because of my health I have put a damper on many of the activities we used to do because I am in pain which varies from tolerable to total all consuming pain. I have trouble walking & keeping balanced, I am in physical pain in my joints, my bones, my skin, etc. We used to love to travel and to walk to areas that offered wonderful scenic visions of nature at it's most magnificent. I miss that. We used to fly kites. I miss that. We used to do so much together but now it's a rare occurrence when I have the pain in enough control that I can do much of anything. I still try but rarely succeed in doing any of the things I used to do and the same can be said of things I should be doing. I rarely cook a meal that isn't mostly made up and just needs to be heated. I don't keep the house as well as I used to because it takes me so long to get anything done since I can't stand for long periods of time but I can't sit for long periods of time either. It's a no win situation and it really pisses me off. I don't have the freedom like I used and that is partially self imposed because I am aware I don't have the strength or stamina that I used to have and I don't feel as safe because of the pain my body is already in if I were to be attacked & robbed I wouldn't be able to defend myself because of the pain in my body. It can certainly make you mad at life in general some days. I still try to look at the best life has to offer each and every day. Without that I would be a pretty pathetic hman being.
Just recently my fiance got some vacation time approved and was going to go to Branson Missouri. I thought about it and knew many of the things he was looking forward to I wouldn't be able to do with him. I suggested I stay home and he go enjoy himself and when he got back we could take a couple of days & go on a short road trip where I could enjoy the scenery but wouldn't have to walk much. He agreed to that & next thing I knew he had decided he would go back to the West coast and see all the things we missed on the trip we took several years ago. I would love this trip but again would be unable to enjoy much of it due to the hiking & walking involved so I was feeling pretty sorry for myself and kind of mad at him for even thinking about going without me. He reminded me it's a 4 hour flight and I wouldn't be able to stand sitting in a crowded airplane that long. He reminded me of all the walking & climbing & riding in the car, not to mention the getting in & out of the car time after time, day after day, and I though about it long & hard and realized it would be so unfair of me to force him into giving up what he loves just because I can no longer do it with him. It just makes me sad that I am going to miss out on a lot of things between now & when I die just because my body has a mind of it's own and loves torturing me. I am going to have to find a new way to look at things and start finding more things I can do and quit thinking so much of the things I can't do. Then I will be able to enjoy my life so much more.

Hear My Prayer

Father hear my prayer today.

Make this hurt just go away.

The physical pain is enough to bear,

But this broken heart feels beyond repair.

I know miracles are within your power.

You're always with me in my darkest hour.

You've heard my every sob and cry.

You've even heard me ask you "Why?".

I don't know why I question you now.

I know that it's up to you somehow.

I need to trust my faith in you,

Because you always see me through.

I lift my eyes and hands to you,

To let you know my love is true,

Because you loved me first, I know,

Of all my sorrows, I can let go.

I lift my voice to heaven above

Knowing you're sending down your love

To bring me comfort from my pain

And remind me of your power again

I know my life is in good hands.

On your promises I will stand.

Thank you God for loving me.

Your obedient child, I will ever be.

written by Martha E. Gipson 

October 6, 2010

Living With an 'Invisible' Illness...

     I'm tired! 
     I'm sure many of you are saying "So what...everyone gets tired!" But what I'm tired of is having an illness that no one seems to really understand. Many people say it's all in my head or it's just an excuse to be lazy and not find a job after being laid off when the economy got so bad. Well let me enlighten you...there are to many of us with the same illness, or similar ones, many of whom have been diagnosed and many who just think they are tired. getting older, or really start to believe what people tell them about being crazy or lazy. That breaks my heart, but it really destroys my sense of self worth when it's someone who knows me, loves me, is related to me, or is a dear friend, and can't see past the obvious or has never cared enough to really know me. No I'm not pointing fingers at anyone because I figure if you are thinking this is about you then maybe you need to re-think where your heart and mind is at. 

    You see...this is actually about me and will hopefully help educate people who know someone or think they may be suffering from something they don't understand because for someone like me, who is older and overweight, with health issues to begin with, it's easy to doubt your own mind when it tells you something is not as it should be. Your so busy taking care of everyone and everything else in your life that it's easy to attribute things to the aging process and let it go on for years until the suffering and pain get so bad you start grasping at straws to find out what's really wrong. 

     In my case it started out as multiple headaches, practically every day,  that sometimes presented symptoms of migraines. Then came pain in my shoulders that grew increasing worse. Of course I thought the headaches were primarily tension from my shoulders and upper back pain. I started out with a PCP and she had x-rays done and didn't find anything. Progressively over time the pain got so bad I went to a pain management doctor....he was a winner! He barely touched me or had me do anything, just asked me a few questions and gave me a scrip for Percocet. A lot of help he was! I went to another doctor's office and was seen by the docotr's PA's and after several visits, questions, tests, etc, I was sent to a Rheumatologist. He did more tests and diagnosed osteoarthritis (that was an age thing. LOL) and Psoriatic Arthritis. I have had Psoriasis since I was a young girl and my parents had been told I might possibly suffer with Psoriatic Arthritis as I got older. This form of arthritis can be very crippling but at this time I have very minimal dis-figuration in my joints from it. I have Diabetic Neuropathy, which is what I blamed my lack of balance and coordination on. I had just about decided I was simply getting old and falling apart but then I started suffering bouts of nausea off and on. I would have to pull off the road sometimes on my way to work or sometimes when I was coming home in the evening. It would even happen while I was at home. Since I am post menopausal it sure wasn't morning sickness. LOL Then I started falling asleep while I was driving to or from work, started nodding off in the middle of something I was working on at work (good thing I had a desk job), fell asleep while I was on hold on the phone. It was crazy! I was already using a c-pap to help me breathe while sleeping because I have sleep apnea and it keeps air moving into my lungs so I don't wake up during the night gasping for air. Okay, so here I was being treated in some way for many things but the pain got so bad that even a touch on my arm could cause me to cringe away in pain. I'm not talking about a poke or a pinch but just a light touch. Now that was really to weird for someone who has always been told that she has a high pain tolerance level. I gave birth to both my children totally natural and have passed kidney stones as big as a pencil erasers and toughed it out. C'mon...something is really wrong here when I start whining about the smallest touch or pressure on my body. I was sent to a neurologist who did a nerve conduction test and even he told me most people find it painful but I hardly felt what I would think of as "pain", partially due to the neuropathy in my feet and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in my wrists, but he even commented on my pain tolerance level being quite high. I was finally diagnosed with FMS last November and though I haven't received a diagnosis of CFS I am being treated with a sleep aid/pain/anti depressant medication to help me get more restful sleep. I don't just drop off any more but I do find I am extremely tired when I have been going through flare. The pain is just not conducive to restful sleep because nothing makes the pain go away. I take naps off and on daily to maintain some kind of energy level. It has taken many years to get this far and yes, it's gradually gotten more severe. I have tried all three medications that are currently being used to help reduce the pain & other symptoms associated with this illness and had bad reactions to Lyrica & Savella and the Cymbalta did nothing at all. 

     I thought I would try to keep a daily record of what is going on, the weather, what I eat, and anything I do each day to see if I can determine exactly what causes me to have worse days than others. Then I would know what to watch for to prevent flares. I thought if I could keep an exact record I might be able to help other sufferers prevent their own flares. I know that is probably just a dream on my part to allow people to live a more complete life because I somehow doubt my triggers are going to be exactly the same as someone else. Besides, sometimes my brain is so inefficient I wouldn't be able to stay focused on all the information I would need to jot down for it to make much difference. I thought about buying a small recorder and talking into it throughout my day but I figured people would think I was someone important or I was bonkers.

      I pray for good days! I pray for understanding and compassion from others! I pray for others who suffer along with me to have more good days than bad! I pray that mankind will learn to care for one another and not be so quick to make hateful assumptions.

     I thank God for the fellow sufferers of chronic illnesses I have become friends with so we can form a support system! I thank God it's me that has this and not someone who can't bear the pain! I thank God He has given me the strength to struggle through even though there are days when I fail miserably to accomplish much at all...except pray! 

     I apologize to everyone I care about for any inconvenience I might be because of this illness.  It's only those closest to me that suffer the most on my bad days with my inability to do all the things I used to do, my sometimes negative and angry attitude. I know it seems like I am mad at you but in reality I am mad at myself for my inability to do everything I want to do on any given day and pain just makes me growl and whine even more. Please forgive me! Please bear with me! 

♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥*´¨`*♥ ღ Love & Hugs & Prayers ღ ♥*´¨`*♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥

2010 A Brand New Year

     Where do I start? I know my intentions were good when I said I was going to take time for myself and write in my blog more but it seems like it just gets harder and harder to find time. No. that really isn't it so much at all. It's just that some days I am in so much pain from Fibromyalgia that I use what time I can to try and do chores around the house and sometimes I am just so exhausted that all I want to do is hibernate. Now that's more like it. Let's be honest here. I have been put on a different medication though and it seems to be helping a little bit anyway. Anything is better than nothing.
     Now, to get to the reason that I am posting today...this is Groundhog Day and more important it is my wonderful dad's birthday. I called him today to tell him Happy Birthday and as as always, it's so good to hear his and my mom's voices. I love them so much and I know they love me and always have. They are both getting older now since I'm getting older but I blame that on my sons turning 32 and 30. It doesn't seem possible when you can still remember those sweet smelling babies they used to be like it was yesterday.
     I found out today, on his birthday, that my dad has prostrate cancer and they just found out. I was heartbroken and cried like a baby when he told me. The thing is, I would have been upset if they hadn't told me and I found out later. When I got off the phone with them I immediately got on the computer to do a little research and found out that everything they told me was correct. I think they must have looked up the same thing I did because it covered exactly what my mom told me. As of right now they still have to meet with his doctor to find out all the pertinent information and I'm sure praying it's the earliest detection possible because his chances of living to a really ripe old age is pretty good.
     Here in lies my dilemma. I have always been close to my parents and I think most kids are and dread even thinking about their parents not always being around. I'm not sure how I'll handle it when something does happen. I know they say grief passes and being a Christian and knowing that my parents are, too, I know where they will be and I will see them again. It's just hard to imagine life without them.
     I always lived near them when I was first married and when I got divorced and met my fiance and moved to Kansas City to be near him I was 46 years old. This is the first time in my life I have ever lived very far from my parents. Maybe that is part of the problem. Since I don't see them as often I miss them more and I can't imagine not seeing them at all.
     I think my purpose in writing this is because I want the world to know how blessed my brother and I are that we have parents that raised us to love each other and not be afraid to show our love. To always stand together as a family and to remember how important family is.
     As our world continues on it's current course of chaos in the coming future, I wish now that more parents had instilled in their children the values and morals that my parents instilled in us about loving for one another and our fellow man and to always remember that God is in charge and He will do whatever He thinks is best for each of His children. Our faith is what gives us peace even in times of sorrow and fear.
     When I first started having so much pain and none of my doctors could find what was wrong I came to the conclusion I could be dying. Not something most people care to think about but something that I accepted and drew strength and peace from. All I did was make even more of a commitment to show people how much I care about them and love them. No, I'm no saint and no angel but I do care about people as a whole. To me, we are all one family. We are torn apart because so many people don't believe that possibility, don't understand each others differences, and are to quick to judge and point fingers. I am not a crusader for anything more than to care for one another and pray for one another to come to a mutual understanding. I know there is evil out there trying to destroy everything we stand for. All I know is I am part of the family of man, I accept you for who you are as long as YOU DO NO HARM. That is where I draw the line. I don't care what color your skin is, what your nationality is, what religion you are, what sex you are, what your sexual orientation is, what your age,  blood type, hair color, eye color is, how you dress or wear your hair or whether you are fat or thin. As long as you do no harm physically or emotionally to another living soul............ I AM ON YOUR SIDE AND I LOVE YOU!

 I AM YOUR FRIEND