I Know an Aha Moment When I Have One ....Or TMI

     I just had an "Aha moment' like Oprah says....I have suffered from Kidney stones for many years and take Allopurinol to reduce the uric acid that forms them, so all things considered, I have managed to keep them under control.
      They mainly flare up when I drink anything with caffeine (in my experiences, which are many, but other people have other things that cause theirs). I cut caffeine out of my diet a long time ago but you know how it is...sometimes you just gotta have it. I went to completely decaf sodas, decaf tea, & decaf coffee. Here-in lies the problem...I love the yummy foo foo coffee that they have at the gas stations. WOW nothing is better than having a nice piping hot cup of your favorite creamy flavored coffee on a freezing cold outing to keep the chill away. It's not decaf! I actually buy the instant flavored cappuccino at the grocer cause who can afford to buy those every day and none of the ones I like come in decaf.  How many restaurants serve decaf ice tea much less those delicious raspberry, peach, mango, or blackberry teas. So...I can't avoid all caffeine and sometimes I tend to overindulge which means KIDNEY STONE coming through.
     Okay, this post is not really about kidney stones but I had to make the story more understandable. Because of my experiences with the pain involved in passing a kidney stone, I always swore I would rather give birth again than pass a stone. Let me tell you...it HURTS!
Now, you give birth and as a rule the pain lasts for several hours or can work it's way up in intensity over a few days, but for me ( and I had completely natural child birth with no epidural or anything to dull the experience) once you start pushing the pain is gone and after a while you have a beautiful baby to raise. This is not consistent with every pregnancy for ever woman so don't take my word for it.
     Next, you pass a kidney stone! You have excruciating lower back pain for a few days to a few weeks. We're not there yet. Then you feel the stone as it moves out of the kidney and into the bladder. Oh, let me tell you...menstrual cramps are nothing compared to this one. I think it would be something along the lines of your appendix bursting several times a day. Then, the stone moves into the ureters, you know those teeny tiny little tubes that run from your bladder down to where you go pee-pee. Now, as that stone moves along the little barbs on it feel like they are ripping and scraping your insides to shreds. Can you say OUCH! Then if your lucky within a few hours of tinkling a wee bit here and there (no pun intended) and having the flow suddenly shut off because the stone plugs off the flow, it finally gathers enough pressure to force the stone through. If not you continue going through horrible pain and feeling like you are going to burst at any moment and finally it either gets forced out or you end up in the ER to have it blasted apart like an asteroid or surgically removed. Thank God my pain level is high enough I have never had to do either one and have passed them on my own. I only came close once because I had suffered with the pain so long I went to the ER and they did Xrays and ran tests because they thought it might be a tumor. Duh! Believe me, if you've had enough of them you know what's going on with your body without a damn picture of it. Anyway suffice it to say I passed that one to ....finally!
     Now we come to the "Aha moment"! I no longer think I would prefer giving birth to passing a kidney stone but I would rather give birth and pass a kidney stone over suffering from Fibromyalgia. Childbirth and passing a kidney stone only lasts so long before something happens to make the pain go away. With Fibro the pain never goes completely away and you never know when it is going to flare to the worst possible pain or for how long at any given time.

Having an Invisible Disability...

     Is so hard to deal with some days, so hard to understand everyday, and what's worse is.....it makes me cry. I know that sounds silly & whiny, especially since my pain level is pretty much bearable today. I'm taking my happy pills so things don't get me feeling so blue but they don't seem to be working today. In a nutshell...I'M SCARED! What's more, there is nothing really to be scared of so I'm feeling pretty silly and immature about this whole experience today. It's not like I haven't had days like the this before but since I really don't have an explanation for them it can really consume me with questions and concerns
    Let me tell you about this pathetic day and my reaction and hopefully others of you have gone through this and can tell me what is happening. Here is a base line of my medical conditions in the order they were diagnosed...Psoriasis, Diabetes, Depression, Sleep Apnea, Neuropathy, Psoriatic Arthritus & Fibromyalgia. This is just the list of health issues that have the most immediate & bothersome effect on me.
     I woke up today at 7:30 am, took some Excedrin for a headache, loaded the dishwasher, checked on my unemployment & filed for last week, checked out some jobs on a couple of the online employment sites I use, checked my FB account and finally noticed the pain flaring up. Some days it takes a while for the pain to become noticeable enough I have to take meds to control it. I took a Percocet, ate some leftover Broccoli Chicken Bake & a slice of fresh pineapple for breakfast. I move kind of slow most days & it was almost 11:00 am and I thought I would watch The View while I ate my breakfast & waited for the medicine to do it's job and ease my pain. I put my dishes in the kitchen sink and was feeling a little tired and since I need a nap, sometimes several times a day, I sat back in the recliner, put my feet up, started planning on what to fix for supper when I felt more with it. That's all she wrote folks...I was soon sound asleep waking up once to ask my mother in law if she was cooking and heard her say she was fixing her supper. (That's another story all together.) Out I went again. I finally woke up about 3:30 pm and shook away the cobwebs and got up and couldn't remember if I had talked to my mother in law or not so I asked her and she said I had. I apologized for sleeping all day and she said I had made lots of strange high pitched noised and other weird sounds all afternoon. I felt such sadness, fear, embarrassment, shame, and disgust at myself because I should not be this tired all the time. 
     I know this is just another poor, poor, pitiful me story but I am really being emotionally devastated by the way my physical life is going. I just need to vent how I'm feeling and how sad I am and reading back over this how pathetic I am. I have so many friends I have met through Face Book that struggle sometimes too but they seem to have more control over feeling sorry for themselves than I do, at least today.
     Sorry I'm not more positive today and I'm even sorrier I haven't been around much for anyone else but I do realize we all have have periods of time when we feel so discouraged we find it hard to be encouraging to others who are going through the same thing. Just know I care about all of you and I hope you can understand that right now I am finding it very hard to be strong and my coping mechanism is out of whack.