Starlight, Starbright, 1st star I see tonight....

How I wish that was all it took to make sense of everything going on in my life. I'm trying to get plenty of sleep but at times it never seems like it's enough. I have noticed if I wake in the morning and sit on the side of the bed and start nodding off I will wake up talking  to someone or making motions with my hands like I'm doing something but once I wake it's gone. Kind of creepy to me. It doesn't matter if I have slept relatively good and was able to fall right back to sleep if I woke up in pain or had to go to the bathroom. I just don't understand how no more than I do most days that I should be this tired. My body is exhausted but my mind keeps trying to do things. I'm surprised I'm not sleep walking. I guess if it was easier for me to get up I probably would be. My question is....have any of you experienced anything like this? It kind of creeps me out when I wake up replying to a question someone has asked me or I'm trying to do something with my hands to make something or type something that someone has told me to do. I just don't know how to explain this, if it's even related to my Fibromyalgia or any of the other illnesses I have. I know it bothers me because I don't understand it so I was hoping some of you might have experienced this or know what might be causing it so I can put my mind at ease. I don't think I'm any crazier than I have ever been and I still feel so much love for family, friends, and most of mankind. This just really bugs me so if someone who reads this could respond and let me know if this is something I need to look into or if it's part of the Fibro World I live in.

My Friends

That's What I Call A Friend

You asked me, once upon a time,

What friendship means to me?

I didn't answer right away,

I had to think, you see.

I have had so many friends

Who have come and gone from me.

But each of them has left a mark

On who I've come to be.

Some of them did make a choice 

To move on with their lives.

But some of them stayed with me

and I've come to realize,

No matter if they come or go,

You're always going to find,

You've tucked them away so safely

In your heart and in your mind.

You draw from all those memories 

Of things you used to do.

They lighten up and make you smile

 At  the things you both went through.

So, if someone's touched your life

And shared everything with you

And kept you feeling loved and safe

Then that's a friendship that is true.

I don't care if they live next door,

Cross the country, Or half a world away,

When someone helps you through troubled times

Then that spirit of friendship is here to stay.

So to answer your question about friendship,

I can tell you what I know.

There are people I've never met face to face

But I love them as friends and so...

The friends that I've known through the years

Who've touched me in some way

Will still be remembered with love and joy

Even on my final day.

By Marti Gipson on 10/24/2010

Another Moment of Self Discovery

I have these moments when I really can see the impact my illness is having on others. Especially on my fiance. We've been together for many years and he has seen me through cervical cancer and has known about other health issues for as long as he's known me. He knows about the Psoriasis...I mean, who wouldn't since it's a very visible illness that produces red scaly lesions all over my body to varying degrees. He was able to accept that. He knew I had diabetes. He knew I was overweight and yet he still loved me. Now with the discovery of the Neuropathy, Psoriatic Arthritis and the Fibromyalgia he still stands by me even though because of my health I have put a damper on many of the activities we used to do because I am in pain which varies from tolerable to total all consuming pain. I have trouble walking & keeping balanced, I am in physical pain in my joints, my bones, my skin, etc. We used to love to travel and to walk to areas that offered wonderful scenic visions of nature at it's most magnificent. I miss that. We used to fly kites. I miss that. We used to do so much together but now it's a rare occurrence when I have the pain in enough control that I can do much of anything. I still try but rarely succeed in doing any of the things I used to do and the same can be said of things I should be doing. I rarely cook a meal that isn't mostly made up and just needs to be heated. I don't keep the house as well as I used to because it takes me so long to get anything done since I can't stand for long periods of time but I can't sit for long periods of time either. It's a no win situation and it really pisses me off. I don't have the freedom like I used and that is partially self imposed because I am aware I don't have the strength or stamina that I used to have and I don't feel as safe because of the pain my body is already in if I were to be attacked & robbed I wouldn't be able to defend myself because of the pain in my body. It can certainly make you mad at life in general some days. I still try to look at the best life has to offer each and every day. Without that I would be a pretty pathetic hman being.
Just recently my fiance got some vacation time approved and was going to go to Branson Missouri. I thought about it and knew many of the things he was looking forward to I wouldn't be able to do with him. I suggested I stay home and he go enjoy himself and when he got back we could take a couple of days & go on a short road trip where I could enjoy the scenery but wouldn't have to walk much. He agreed to that & next thing I knew he had decided he would go back to the West coast and see all the things we missed on the trip we took several years ago. I would love this trip but again would be unable to enjoy much of it due to the hiking & walking involved so I was feeling pretty sorry for myself and kind of mad at him for even thinking about going without me. He reminded me it's a 4 hour flight and I wouldn't be able to stand sitting in a crowded airplane that long. He reminded me of all the walking & climbing & riding in the car, not to mention the getting in & out of the car time after time, day after day, and I though about it long & hard and realized it would be so unfair of me to force him into giving up what he loves just because I can no longer do it with him. It just makes me sad that I am going to miss out on a lot of things between now & when I die just because my body has a mind of it's own and loves torturing me. I am going to have to find a new way to look at things and start finding more things I can do and quit thinking so much of the things I can't do. Then I will be able to enjoy my life so much more.

Hear My Prayer

Father hear my prayer today.

Make this hurt just go away.

The physical pain is enough to bear,

But this broken heart feels beyond repair.

I know miracles are within your power.

You're always with me in my darkest hour.

You've heard my every sob and cry.

You've even heard me ask you "Why?".

I don't know why I question you now.

I know that it's up to you somehow.

I need to trust my faith in you,

Because you always see me through.

I lift my eyes and hands to you,

To let you know my love is true,

Because you loved me first, I know,

Of all my sorrows, I can let go.

I lift my voice to heaven above

Knowing you're sending down your love

To bring me comfort from my pain

And remind me of your power again

I know my life is in good hands.

On your promises I will stand.

Thank you God for loving me.

Your obedient child, I will ever be.

written by Martha E. Gipson 

October 6, 2010