Who Am I!

Who Am I?

Psoriasis

High Blood Pressure 

Migraines

Kidney Stones

Tension Headaches

Diabetes 

Allergies

Depression

Anxiety

Fatigue

 Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy  

Diabetic Neuropathy 

Fibromyalgia

 Osteo Arthritis

Psoriatic Arthritis

 I am so much more than that.

I am a woman!

I can do anything!

Or at least I used to...

I may not always accomplish everything I set out to do but I try as hard as I can on any given day. Some days it isn't worth the pain and effort and other days I feel like Super Woman. When I feel like that you can be relatively sure that I am going to be out of commission the next day or two. When you have invisible disabilities you try to do everything you can when you have a "good" day. The problem is in trying to make up for "bad" days you do more harm to your body and it lets you know in a BIG way. What I'm trying to get at in such a round about way is:

If you love me:

Be patient

Be kind

Be helpful, not hurtful

Be understanding, even if you don't.

No one is telling you that you have to like everything that is going on with me because I most certainly don't. I miss so many things that I have lost the ability to do. It's not like I enjoy lying around like a pile of junk. I miss my freedom more than anything else. I hate the limitations that the pain instills. 

Do you really think I like pain? 

Do you really think I like staying home all the time? 

Do you really think I'm just lazy? 

Do you really think it's just part of getting older?  

Do you really think I don't miss all the things I used to be able to do that I loved so much?

If you do, then you are the most self centered, inconsiderate, ignorant person I know and you can kiss my 

 

All of creation

Well, as usual I have been terrible about keeping up with my blogging even though I have done a lot of soapbox dancing on Facebook. I sometimes think I am better off just writing in here what I am thinking, feeling, whatever and just getting things off my chest. There is always so much going on on Facebook that keeps me distracted and so many things that need to be said but sometimes gets overlooked. For example...I've got this ongoing philosophy regarding how I think mankind needs to look at things in order to have more peace in the world. I firmly believe that:

• Do no harm, either physically or emotionally.

If everyone did their best to treat one another with kindness and to respect each others rights we wouldn't have so much conflict in this world. Same goes for each others differences...diversity is what creation was all about. God understood what differences were and made it so that those differences still allowed all living things to co-exist in harmony. What's changed that we can't show someone who is different the same kind of compassion that we would show a brother or sister?
The Bible says that God created man in His own image. I don't think that meant Adam looked like God but that he had a heart to love with, a brain to think with, arms to give comfort, and legs to travel across the land in search of other living creatures that might need that love & comfort.
This attitude so many people have towards their fellow man & woman has gotten mixed up somewhere along the way and I think Satan was the instigator of that. He is the one who seeks conflict because as they say...divided we fall. Why is it since God created all living things can we not accept different races, different sexes, different religions, different beliefs. Since the days of Babel when the tribes went their separate ways has our world been so filled with hatred for anyone that is different from "our" people.

I'm so OVER it!

     Oh how I wish I could go back to yesterday when my body was pain free and I felt like there wasn't anything I couldn't do. I was Superwoman! I wasn't perfect but at least I gave life all I had to give and felt pride in doing so.
Now here I am, over 50, overweight, & overwhelmed. I just don't know which end is up some days. Thank God for a wonderful man, a loving family, and supportive friends. I feel so blessed but I sure don't feel like I am much of a blessing to them.
     I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia over a year ago and had I known what it as and what the indications were I would have known what was going on with me a long time ago. I blamed it on weight gain...because I hurt so much when I much excersise, I have muscles that hurt and spasm and joints that ache and grind against each other. I just sort of gave up on days when I was hurting and took advantage of days when I felt on top of the world. As time went on I got worse and worse and blamed it on stress at work and with the economy. I was already on anti depressants and anti anxiety medications but though it helped my emotional status it didn't do much for the physical one. I was sent to a rhuematologist since I have had Psoriasis since I was diagnosed at 8 years old and the suspected Psoriatic Arthritis (PSA). I received injections in my joints and was started on Methotrexate, which is a chemo drug. It actually started clearing up the outward skin lesions but after a few months of treatment it stopped working. I stopped the treatment gradually because chemo weakens your immune system and I didn't want to destroy mine for no reason.I was told that there was no obvious crippling from PSA at this time. The rhuematologist also told me that the blood tests he took came back negative for Fibromyalgia. The pain continued to get worse as well as tension headaches.Luckily I got in contact with a dear, long, lost friend and found out she was suffering from Fibromyalgia and when I told her what my rhuematologist had to say she told me to find a real doctor. I actually confronted my regular doc & he told me there is no blood test for Fibromyalgia.
     I guess I will just have to learn to take each day as it comes and make the best of it. On days when the pain is just to much I will have to forgive myself and just take it easy. If no one at home understands then they will just have to deal with it. I know who I was and I know who I have become and I have to take care of me to the best of my ability because no one can do it for me.

Jumbled Thoughts

     Some days the pain is almost more than I can take. Today is one of those days that I have to push myself to function at my most minimal capacity. It weighs on my heart when I hurt to much to be worth anything. I know it sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself but that's really not it. I just hurt!
     I still can acknowledge the wonderful things around me and in my life and be grateful. That is only the grace of God that allows me that joy and peace of mind.
     I hate the pain tears when I know that I am so blessed I should only be singing God's praises. Then before I realize it those same tears seem to be tears of love for what I do have.
     I know I'm rambling today and I don't know why I continue but I need to put what I'm feeling into words. It's healing for me to do so.
     I'm luckier than many because I do have an outlet in my writing. It lets me shout out my anger and frustration, my pain and sorrow, my love and joy and every emotion I have trouble containing for fear I might explode. I am a highly emotional person and feel things deeper than I want to sometimes. They call it empathy. There are times I wish I didn't feel so much of what other people are going through because it causes me a great deal of sadness and heartache. But on the other hand it allows me to share in their joys and celebrate the great things that happen in their lives.
     I once took a test to determine what gifts God has given me to use for His glory and empathy was at the top of the list.Thank you God for your many gifts and blessings in my life. Even when I am feeling bad You always remind me how much You love me and that I am Your child.