Where did I go?

I have been looking back over my life and remembering the person I used to really like but I've changed so much in the last several years that I am not sure who I am anymore. I know I'm sadly disappointed in myself because even though I try, I can't do many of the things I used to enjoy so much. With my invisible illnesses it's really hard to let people know why I am so different now because other than being older I still look healthy enough. Because of the pain, which leads to depression, which leads to anxiety, which leads to, which leads to, which leads to, and the vicious cycle continues. I have become almost a recluse sometimes and I'm not totally sure why. I know I have isolated myself and I have insulated myself to life in some ways. Where I used to be so outgoing and friendly, I am now nervous around people. Where I used to be the first one ready to go out to dinner or for drinks with friends, I still want to do that but now I drag my feet so long and people get tired of waiting. I am just so filled with dread of the pain it causes me when I'm hurting already to go out & do anything. I can't make plans or just drop what I'm doing to go do something with friends because I can't guarantee I'm going to be up for it. I know it's hard for those who don't deal with this on a daily basis to be able to understand where I'm coming from. I think many people just think I don't want to do things with them anymore and if they only knew how much I miss my interaction with peers. I feel like I have no friends because they can't understand what they have never experienced so I can't be angry at them and feel like they have deserted me because in reality, I have deserted them. I have my friends on FB who are suffering along with me but they are all over the world. That isn't to say that they aren't friends in the truest sense because they are there for me online any time I need to vent. They pray for me, they offer me words of encouragement, they know exactly what I'm talking about because they have the same problems but that doesn't resolve the issue of having a physical body to just hang out with and do whatever we choose to do. I enjoy so many things but of course being unemployed limits me as well because I certainly don't expect people to "pay my way" but I love the theatre, movies, trying new restaurants, museums, music...so many things and I try to do what I can, when I can, where I can, but I do it alone because most things I do now are through the television, or taking a drive for a change of scenery. I enjoy what I am able to do but I feel like my life is so totally limited now that I can't enjoy so many things because of the pain, the physical limitations, the anxiety around people, the depression because I feel like I am missing out on so much and the depression that the pain brings on, and the depression of having no income if I did have a "normal" day where I could go to a movie, or out to lunch or anything that of that nature. There is nothing I can say that makes sense to most people I come in physical contact with anymore because they cannot relate in any way to what I am feeling. I know I have to find something or someone or some group who does understand and has an open door for when I am feeling capable of taking part in something I have something to take part in. Who knows...maybe there are people just like me in my own town who feel the same and I need to start something for all of us. I have always been a doer. The first one to step up and take on a project. A very outgoing and social person who enjoyed entertaining. Where am I? I still think like that person, so who knows...maybe it's worth a try. I have just lost so much self confidence since these illnesses took over my body that I got buried under the weight of it all and I just need the courage and faith in myself to dig my way out. I have faith in God. I know He loves me no matter how I am feeling about the way I am now. I know I have hope for better days and years ahead living with these illnesses or not. THERE WILL BE GOOD DAYS!

 Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ★*´¨`*♥ Love, Gentle Hugs & Prayers♥*´¨`*★Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ