Another Moment of Self Discovery

I have these moments when I really can see the impact my illness is having on others. Especially on my fiance. We've been together for many years and he has seen me through cervical cancer and has known about other health issues for as long as he's known me. He knows about the Psoriasis...I mean, who wouldn't since it's a very visible illness that produces red scaly lesions all over my body to varying degrees. He was able to accept that. He knew I had diabetes. He knew I was overweight and yet he still loved me. Now with the discovery of the Neuropathy, Psoriatic Arthritis and the Fibromyalgia he still stands by me even though because of my health I have put a damper on many of the activities we used to do because I am in pain which varies from tolerable to total all consuming pain. I have trouble walking & keeping balanced, I am in physical pain in my joints, my bones, my skin, etc. We used to love to travel and to walk to areas that offered wonderful scenic visions of nature at it's most magnificent. I miss that. We used to fly kites. I miss that. We used to do so much together but now it's a rare occurrence when I have the pain in enough control that I can do much of anything. I still try but rarely succeed in doing any of the things I used to do and the same can be said of things I should be doing. I rarely cook a meal that isn't mostly made up and just needs to be heated. I don't keep the house as well as I used to because it takes me so long to get anything done since I can't stand for long periods of time but I can't sit for long periods of time either. It's a no win situation and it really pisses me off. I don't have the freedom like I used and that is partially self imposed because I am aware I don't have the strength or stamina that I used to have and I don't feel as safe because of the pain my body is already in if I were to be attacked & robbed I wouldn't be able to defend myself because of the pain in my body. It can certainly make you mad at life in general some days. I still try to look at the best life has to offer each and every day. Without that I would be a pretty pathetic hman being.
Just recently my fiance got some vacation time approved and was going to go to Branson Missouri. I thought about it and knew many of the things he was looking forward to I wouldn't be able to do with him. I suggested I stay home and he go enjoy himself and when he got back we could take a couple of days & go on a short road trip where I could enjoy the scenery but wouldn't have to walk much. He agreed to that & next thing I knew he had decided he would go back to the West coast and see all the things we missed on the trip we took several years ago. I would love this trip but again would be unable to enjoy much of it due to the hiking & walking involved so I was feeling pretty sorry for myself and kind of mad at him for even thinking about going without me. He reminded me it's a 4 hour flight and I wouldn't be able to stand sitting in a crowded airplane that long. He reminded me of all the walking & climbing & riding in the car, not to mention the getting in & out of the car time after time, day after day, and I though about it long & hard and realized it would be so unfair of me to force him into giving up what he loves just because I can no longer do it with him. It just makes me sad that I am going to miss out on a lot of things between now & when I die just because my body has a mind of it's own and loves torturing me. I am going to have to find a new way to look at things and start finding more things I can do and quit thinking so much of the things I can't do. Then I will be able to enjoy my life so much more.